Sunday, December 13, 2015

Real Talk and 1000 Things to Be Thankful For: 81-100!

This will no doubt be a strange introduction to a post about thankfulness, but I am going through a quite a rough patch. In the span of a week, I lost both my boyfriend and my transportation. (To clarify, my boyfriend just isn't my boyfriend anymore. My car is definitely in the shop and likely a goner.) I muddled through the work week okay, and I was looking forward to checking out a Unitarian church today. More accurately, I had built up going to this church as The First Step Towards Being OK. I always feel cut off at the knees when I don't have a car, but now being denied the opportunity to take The First Step is a pretty big blow. I also have a lot of memories tied up in my car, and I am having a hard time dealing with the idea of saying goodbye. (I think this is something that will either immediately resonate with people, or it won't make any sense at all.)

When things are hard, I have a tendency to internalize them and give the outward appearance that I am carrying on just fine. I don't want to burden anyone (friends, family, the tow truck driver, my mechanic, pretty literally anyone), so I put on a brave face. On the inside, however, I really want someone to notice how sad/anxious/hurt I am and swoop in and make things better. Of course, I usually have no idea what would make things better, but I suppose I think that's the job of whoever swoops in to figure out. The longer I struggle, the more I want someone to notice, and the longer no one notices, the more alone I feel. None of this is a conscious process, by the way; it's just a pattern I stumbled upon while incessantly watching Dressing Your Truth videos.

This led to the thought, "Instead of waiting for myself to go numb waiting for a white knight who doesn't exist, what if I just fixed my own damn self?" Of course, I don't really know how to do that, but actively figuring it out is bound to be better than passively waiting. Continuing to remind myself that not everything is horrible seems like a good place to start. Just a list today, because writing this was tough enough.

1000 Things to Be Thankful For: 81-100
  1. Knowing that I can fix myself just as well as anyone else can. (Still working on how...)
  2. The AAA membership my parents renew for me every year. 
  3. The kindness of strangers and AAA drivers. I have a long and storied history with AAA, and I have yet to be meet a driver who wasn't lovely.
  4. A mechanic I trust.
  5. Friends I can ask for favors.
  6. Enough self-compassion to stop me from beating myself up over having to ask for a favor.
  7. Unseasonable weather, so walking to run an errand or two is relatively pleasant.
  8. The DYT Type 2 backpack I bought on a whim awhile back--pretty and so much more comfortable than schlepping groceries over my shoulder.
  9. Not living so far away that my parents can't help me out in a pinch.
  10. A new-to-me car plan that's been in the works for months.
  11. The ability to coherently call AAA instead of just sobbing in Wegman's. (Putting on a brave is sometimes useful...)
  12. Car breakdowns that occur in a safe place with a comfortable waiting area (assuming a car breakdown is inevitable).
  13. Finally-functional oven.
  14. When that one class is more of a regular mess than a freakin' hot mess.
  15. An afternoon in the kitchen.
  16. When the weather matches your mood.
  17. A back-up plan for when that thing that looked soooo easy on Pinterest turns out to be rather challenging.
  18. Nightly meditation with my mala beads.
  19. Picking out a new pair of earrings.
  20. Anything written by Thich Nhat Hanh. Insta-comfort.

Want to see more thankfulness?
Click here for 62-80.
Click here for 41-61.
Click here for 21-40.
Click here for 1-20.
Click here for the original 1000 Things.

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