When things are hard, I have a tendency to internalize them and give the outward appearance that I am carrying on just fine. I don't want to burden anyone (friends, family, the tow truck driver, my mechanic, pretty literally anyone), so I put on a brave face. On the inside, however, I really want someone to notice how sad/anxious/hurt I am and swoop in and make things better. Of course, I usually have no idea what would make things better, but I suppose I think that's the job of whoever swoops in to figure out. The longer I struggle, the more I want someone to notice, and the longer no one notices, the more alone I feel. None of this is a conscious process, by the way; it's just a pattern I stumbled upon while incessantly watching Dressing Your Truth videos.
This led to the thought, "Instead of waiting for myself to go numb waiting for a white knight who doesn't exist, what if I just fixed my own damn self?" Of course, I don't really know how to do that, but actively figuring it out is bound to be better than passively waiting. Continuing to remind myself that not everything is horrible seems like a good place to start. Just a list today, because writing this was tough enough.
1000 Things to Be Thankful For: 81-100
- Knowing that I can fix myself just as well as anyone else can. (Still working on how...)
- The AAA membership my parents renew for me every year.
- The kindness of strangers and AAA drivers. I have a long and storied history with AAA, and I have yet to be meet a driver who wasn't lovely.
- A mechanic I trust.
- Friends I can ask for favors.
- Enough self-compassion to stop me from beating myself up over having to ask for a favor.
- Unseasonable weather, so walking to run an errand or two is relatively pleasant.
- The DYT Type 2 backpack I bought on a whim awhile back--pretty and so much more comfortable than schlepping groceries over my shoulder.
- Not living so far away that my parents can't help me out in a pinch.
- A new-to-me car plan that's been in the works for months.
- The ability to coherently call AAA instead of just sobbing in Wegman's. (Putting on a brave is sometimes useful...)
- Car breakdowns that occur in a safe place with a comfortable waiting area (assuming a car breakdown is inevitable).
- Finally-functional oven.
- When that one class is more of a regular mess than a freakin' hot mess.
- An afternoon in the kitchen.
- When the weather matches your mood.
- A back-up plan for when that thing that looked soooo easy on Pinterest turns out to be rather challenging.
- Nightly meditation with my mala beads.
- Picking out a new pair of earrings.
- Anything written by Thich Nhat Hanh. Insta-comfort.
Click here for 1-20.
Click here for the original 1000 Things.